Fever (Fear)

I always draw back from trying something new because of fear, fear that I might not make it, fear of being seen to make a mistake, even if that error is essential to finding the correct answer.

One thing that I'm always afraid of is being rejected from someone, you can always say that "well he/she didn't really know me" and "it's her/his loss" and "He/she just wasn't my type" but it don't really work, and your emotinons really hurts, feeling of failure and of not being wanted or not being good enough, is the worst feeling that you can ever experience.

All in my life there were just two person that I fear most, a woman and a man!

Can't have life without non of them and also with both of them! Even can't choose one of them!

I'm so afraid of making her upset, and don't know who he is!

Sure that soon I must face this fear.

:(

Heaven

Do you wanna go to Heaven? I don't ask if it really exist, just wanna know that do you really like this freaky place.

Do you feel guilty when you do something wrong? How long does it take to forget that mistake and back again to your usual life?

Do you think that being guilty because of being religious is somehow more than being dork, have you ever been acting like someone else just 'cause you thought that others whould not rely on you if you were yourself?

I hate people who makes me feel guilty, you know , sometimes it's not something that you've done that makes you feel guilt, it's just becuase of people that you feel like that, and if you were alone you never would feel guilty.

How much do you like to be yourself?

Have you ever felt guilty because of being yourself?

In my beliefs there is nothing such a Hevean or hell, or even God! We can make Heaven ourself, and God is nothing else than Love and we make the Heaven with our love.

I'm sure that I'm not in Heaven and I don't have any God, wish one day I could find a way to Heaven.

Green land

First of all I must appreciate Neda for inviting me to be part of this game,
but my life is like a cemetery for my death ambitions , this game meant to be something fun, however I lost so many wishes, but you know something the average of my new born hopes are much more than death ones.
There is something obvious that if you lose a dream, you never can get it again. The question often asked of a child is, “what is your ambition?" as I grew up, my answer ranged through lots of things, but there’s something that hasn’t changed yet, I want a simple life, you can’t imagine how much simple, I want a cottage middle of nowhere, maybe an island, there must be no need for car, telephone,…, I want mint and fresh nature, and of course I don’t want to see any human around, if you really can find a true man these days! Maybe once a week I like to have guests, I mean really close close friends like Pejvak!

First I wanted to say that I don’t need electricity but how can you live without that, especially there is no mean of cooking without electricity, one of my hobbies, is cooking, when I’m alone and don’t have anything to do and anything to care, my hands are creative, they can cook, draw, paint, knit, … ,
I want to have a garden which is mostly part of nature instead of an artificial garden, where my lovebirds can fly freely without of fearing of a stone which is throwing by a kid. There was a time that in this dream there had been someone else who I liked to share my whole life with, mais I don’t know why je suis seul in this dream.
To cut a long story short, I must say that, what I all want is a simple life without the pressure of future, do you know why I’ve this dream? Cause most of the times I get scared with my limitations and then act passively instead of actively. I also have this tendency to exaggerate my problems and then get overwhelmed by the magnitude. I really get scared and then instead of doing something about it I punish myself with not acting and getting scared even more!!! Maybe you can call it the shadow of limitations, cause if I face the problems, I’m sure that I can solve them, anyway I prefer to hide instead of solving them, and the point is that I hate to be under pressure, if there was someone who could decide and think about this damn future, I would do the rest.
Neda in her blog, had wished that if she could die after ones who she love, but in my dreams there is no end to anything, you’ve all the time on the world, BTW it’s to much pressure to think about if you die first or someone you love! ! !

p.s.1 do you know what's wrong with the first pic?

p.s.2 I want to invite Mademoiselles Romina, Negar, Shadi.

Woozy

I must warn you first, this post is bullshit, I don't mean that my last posts were good, but at least I was not unconscious when I was writing them,
I feel so dizzy right now, light really hurt my eyes so I turned it off, do you think I would survive?
I mean mentally or maybe physically!
the last time that I had this strange feeling was about 4 years ago, I was in a crowd but really alone, rolling drunk, the last part is shameless, I used drug too, I mean I was too much drunk that someone took it under my noise...
any way it was not just because of feeling drunk and drugged, it was the begining of a lost, not just the one I loved, loosing lots of thing, there is nothing worst than feeling like a jerk,
after that I've promised myself not to be drunk even if I was alone.
you know that, when you feel that it's your last days of your life you can love anyone, I wish I could know that what's happening to me, most of the people don't like to know about their future, they would be shit scared if they know that the day that they would die, but if I knew that it would be a sigh of relief for me, really I could live much more confident.